[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
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It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game