Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
You Might Also Like
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that