Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice