[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.