I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
You Might Also Like
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Cannot stop laughing at this
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
#SaturdayBears
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.