Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
January is lasting longer than my marriage
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Always…
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn