Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute