I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
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*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk