Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I’m Sold!
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that