Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
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*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?