this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”