Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?