broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
You Might Also Like
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you