Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.