Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
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7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Cats are still liquid.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
the best thing i’ve ever made
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Brands during Pride
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.