6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
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Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
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Biden: Okay.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Always leave the cult better than you found it.