WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
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I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
This a good idea
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town