Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
You Might Also Like
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.