When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
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[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
look at me when i’m typing to you
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer