I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me too 😆
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃