A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
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The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,