Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
#Caturday
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”