Modded the new Gran Turismo
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The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs