Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
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FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”