Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.