Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
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Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
This cat wants you to take your pills
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.