[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
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You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.