Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?