I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
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[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.