This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
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* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.