Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
get you a girl who
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.