I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
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the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK