The Weeknd is back
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
This guy gets it.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.