Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
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My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Body by sandwich.