Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
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This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Social distancing in Australia:
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash