it was a valiant fight
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut