Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
A completely valid reaction tbh
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.