[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
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Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!