I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013