giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
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Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….