Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
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#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
God, I love Scotland
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations