Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
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Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks