Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
house sitting!
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists