The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My plans: 2020:
This meeting could have been a cake
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.