My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean