Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.