[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
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My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Hamburger Hinderer.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong