[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
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My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??