Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
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My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1