My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
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I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I think I’ll stand
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Botany good plants lately?